so, it has been a long time since i have bloged.

not a whole lot has changed and I guess that's why i have not been here?
Chris is still looking for a job, I still hate mine.
boys passed school.
i am still fat.
i did tell Selaina about Matt that did not go well, but that is ok.
and that is my life. tell next time.

so this is what i wish i could say.

S

I have something to tell you. Matt and I never stopped being friends, all of those years that you thought I never talked to him, well you thought wrong. He was a huge part of my family. and now that he is gone I have become close to Amanda. She is like my sister and i can tell her anything. she like her brother would give her life for me and the kids, she comes over to the house all of the time and just hangs out she comes for dinner and helps with the boys. she has been a life line sine losing Matt.

Matt was a good man and you killed him you were a slut who left 4 months after you lost the baby, and that killed him. you like to play the victum in all of this oh he told me that he was going to kill s um yah what man is going to be ok with some slpeeing with his wife, oh and we had your hotmail password and saw the emails i KNOW the you playing the fled when you lived at matts dad house. I am not dumb. we all know what you did the man is deid why do you have to keep lieing about it now?

It has been a long time

So after my last post i have really felt like blogging.

I still feel vary empty inside, I still see things that want me to call Matt, I am not sure when that will change. Chris is still waiting to hear about this damn job I hate waiting and i am not vary good at it.

I still have to tell Salina that i have never stopped talking to Matt, and that i did not tell her becasue I did not want to be put in the middle of her nuts of fear of him. But i am going t o tell her I am just waiting for the right time, I hope that i can do it soon beacuse I would like to post a Pic of him and the boys on my myspace and facebook. Matt was like my brother i could call on him for anything he would kill for me and the boys. I have a brother a real one, but he has nothing to do with me or the boys and that hurts it has been almost a year since we stopped talking and i am still so hurt.

I turned 32 i am ok with it my dad and his wife got an I-pod I love that thig and this death wrok out thing I am telling that thing is going to kill me. I have only done it once last night and thought i was going to die. and today my legs are killing me it says that you have to do it for 30 minuste 3 times a week bout i think i am going to do it 10 minutes 3 times a week and the work my way up i am so out of shape it is not funny. I hope by the summer to have lost 10 pounds. that will be nice.

If Chis gets this job he will be gone a lot and i am going to take the kids walking alot i live close to 6 flags so i think we may spend a lot of thime at the park this summer. I just want to be thiner then what i am now so we are relley going to work for it.

and in other news agine if Chris gets this job I am going to take that boys to see my sister and then as a fam we are going to go to Tenn. now most would not want to go to Tenn. but I do I have been one time and it was so macjal for me. now they have more vary cool stuff to do and i cant wate to go. the boys are going to have so much fun.

i think that is all i have for now.

-J

I have opened my blog at least 10 times today, then I close it. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS BLOG. did you hear me, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS BLOG.


last night at 7:55pm I got the call. it was Amanda she told me that she had some bad news to tell me. Then the next thing she said She cut out on. I asked her what she said and i heard it that time "Matt Passed Away" what did you day "Matt's gone" what Manda this is not funny don't lie, " i am not Lying" yes you are, and it is not funny, her talking to someone in the car"she does not Believe me" Manda this is not funny. "Jo I would not lie about me brother dying" OMG OMG I walked in to the other room and then into my room with Chris fallowing be hind me. I just looked at him and said he is gone, we deiced to Waite to tell the boys till after diner and I could not stop crying it was not the quite crying but the loud painful your best Friend just died cry, the boys were behind me so fast that I could not stop it. I sent Chris to go be with Manda and my sister and Tracy came and sat with me.

Garren asked us how we are going to get a long with out him. I could not answer because I am not sure. He was my brother and my kids love him almost as much as Chris and I. Jaeden is trying to be so strong, but I know that is litte hart is broken.

Chris keeps asking when it will get better, And I am just not sure, I unlike him have lost loved ones, he watched as I said goodbye to my grandparents, but that was different they had lived full lives, they were not taken at 30. I told my mom that I was not supposed to Berry Matt it was not fair, Her my Dad Aunt sister that is one thing I am sure it will hurt like hell but they are older then me and would have lived full lives, Matt was 11 months younger. I always thought I would have more time with him. That he would be their when the boys got out of school and married and had their own kids. I always thought that Matt would have time to meet someone fall in love and have more babies. I fell robed and it was not my life that got cut short. I guess when you love someone the way we did Matt and he is just gone it is hard not to fell robbed. not only for him but also us. I dumb saying "time will heal all things"in my head i dont like that saying and it relly pissing me off.

Matt we love you and Miss you already, I keep seeing your name in my cell and it makes me want to cry, but I think I am just going to keep it in thier evan when I get a new phone.

-J

Please dont call me to babysit your kids, You my have a life by going out 5 nights a week, but I have one to I may not go out but that is because I am a mom. and show up for work vary day. So when you call me at 9:30 on a school night I am not going to watch your kids. they should be at home in bed like you so that you can come to work the next day. Your kids are brats and cry the whole time you are gone. the big one walks around touching things that he shouldnt and does not listen at all. I get that you are 25 and that you like to go and have a good time, I did to but you no what i did that before I was a mom. and now i still like to go out and have a good time but i go out like 3 times a year. becuse I am a mom. get a clue and stay home and maybe close your legs and you would not be worred about have # 4 arledy.


thanks
_j

Dear neighbors,

I understand that you have had a hard year, with the boy going to jail and all, I get that he was just dropped in your lap and that he had a hard life. I understand I do. I have to talk to you about your dog. I have a dog that will bark at anything that goes behind the house, it does not matter if it is a car, person, or animal she is going to let me know that some thing is in the back of the house. BUT we don't leave her outside. PLEASE bring your dog in, This is Texas and it does not get cold here vary often but when is does bring in your dog, would you want to sleep outside in the cold......no........ well your dog does not want to ether.BRING HER IN. one more thing you live two doors down when your dog barks and wakes us up I know that you hear it, please drag your lazy butt out of bed and get her. You don't have a job, and now that the boy is in jail you don't have kids in school so I get that you don't have to get up at 6:00 AM but we do!!!!! BRING IN YOUR DOGS OR I AM CALLING THE POPO!!!!!!


thank you,
your neighbor two doors down

Ok my Dr. ROCKS!!!!

I went to my old dr this week, It was so bad, I went to the car called the hubby and started crying, it was bad. When I was young and first got marred i weighed 115 or so. I had my oldest boy at 21 and took the eating for 2 way to far. I lost about half if it before i had the youngest son, i did so good i only gained 24 pounds..... sounds good right don't forget get about the other 40 that i did not lose. And then it stoped i sit here with half the wight from the 1st baby all the wight from the last one it sucks, the old dr just told me i was fat and eat to much um yah bite me!!! my new dr asked me about my family how much does my mom and dad weigh. and told me that due to the fact that they are both over wight then that is part of the reason that I am, I know that may not sound like good news to most but it was music to my ears. any my new dr. took the time and talked to me we were together for over an hour I don't think my OB spent that much time me when I was in labor. lol any he is from are Church he does not charge you pay what you can when you. how cool is that. He was so nice and i feel so much better about my wight.


So i have to deiced to not push my self to much this month the hubby and I are going to Mexico at the of this month and i don't want to be oh i cant eat this or I cant eat that, so 2-2-09 is the big day I am going to start the proses to stop smoking and start working and eating good. look out kids you will be eating what Mom eats...

-J