I have opened my blog at least 10 times today, then I close it. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS BLOG. did you hear me, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS BLOG.


last night at 7:55pm I got the call. it was Amanda she told me that she had some bad news to tell me. Then the next thing she said She cut out on. I asked her what she said and i heard it that time "Matt Passed Away" what did you day "Matt's gone" what Manda this is not funny don't lie, " i am not Lying" yes you are, and it is not funny, her talking to someone in the car"she does not Believe me" Manda this is not funny. "Jo I would not lie about me brother dying" OMG OMG I walked in to the other room and then into my room with Chris fallowing be hind me. I just looked at him and said he is gone, we deiced to Waite to tell the boys till after diner and I could not stop crying it was not the quite crying but the loud painful your best Friend just died cry, the boys were behind me so fast that I could not stop it. I sent Chris to go be with Manda and my sister and Tracy came and sat with me.

Garren asked us how we are going to get a long with out him. I could not answer because I am not sure. He was my brother and my kids love him almost as much as Chris and I. Jaeden is trying to be so strong, but I know that is litte hart is broken.

Chris keeps asking when it will get better, And I am just not sure, I unlike him have lost loved ones, he watched as I said goodbye to my grandparents, but that was different they had lived full lives, they were not taken at 30. I told my mom that I was not supposed to Berry Matt it was not fair, Her my Dad Aunt sister that is one thing I am sure it will hurt like hell but they are older then me and would have lived full lives, Matt was 11 months younger. I always thought I would have more time with him. That he would be their when the boys got out of school and married and had their own kids. I always thought that Matt would have time to meet someone fall in love and have more babies. I fell robed and it was not my life that got cut short. I guess when you love someone the way we did Matt and he is just gone it is hard not to fell robbed. not only for him but also us. I dumb saying "time will heal all things"in my head i dont like that saying and it relly pissing me off.

Matt we love you and Miss you already, I keep seeing your name in my cell and it makes me want to cry, but I think I am just going to keep it in thier evan when I get a new phone.

-J